Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
