either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
