At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
