It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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