I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
