Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
