i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
