you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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