Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
