is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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