My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
