listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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