Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
