my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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