I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
