I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
