I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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