jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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