Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
