We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
