just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
