i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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