And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
