Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I don't deserve a penis
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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