Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
