I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
