and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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