Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
