I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
operation harelip BJ is a go
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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