If that was your dad, he is hot
I should be sponsored by Trojan
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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