Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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