i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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