fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
