worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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