I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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