Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
