i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
