You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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