bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
