His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Randomize
