If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
