haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
