i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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