I will die if light touches me.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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