Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
