hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
