I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
