i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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