new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
