Im at strip club and am horny
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
