the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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