I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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