I just cut my nipple shaving
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Randomize
