I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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