i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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