Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
