i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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