you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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