got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize