hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
