btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
