The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
