so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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