i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Panties = found
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
