Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
