My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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