Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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