And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Randomize
