Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize