the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
