WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I love having hate sex.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
