I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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